


It's Just Easier To Do It Yourself

by EventHorizon



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, Shopping, mystrade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2013-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EventHorizon/pseuds/EventHorizon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Greg needs to do a little shopping and Mycroft decides to accompany him, something the Detective Inspector knows is not going to end well for either of them...</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Just Easier To Do It Yourself

      “Mycroft!  I’ll be back later!”

      “Halt!”

      “When’d you join the Army?”

      “May I ask what you are doing?”

      “I need a few things so I’m going shopping.  Won’t be long… so, bye!”

      “No, you shall not be given a bye on this matter.  You do remember we were to spend the day together and I have a full slate of activities planned to amuse us.”

      “And I plan on enjoying all of your slate just as soon as I get back.  I don’t get a lot of off days, Mycroft, and I do have to use them, at least partly, to get things done.”

      “If you would simply agree to let me handle those petty concerns…”

      “I’m not going to have one of your assistants run out to get me razor blades!”

      “I shall purchase for you a year’s supply and you shan’t have to fret about such a little thing again.”

      “Nope.  I don’t complain when you’ve got your magic elves stocking your closets and cabinets with supplies, so don’t complain that I prefer to do it myself.”

      “But it is unnecessary.  And inefficient.  And time-consuming.  To be truthful, I cannot append to that list any comment of a positive nature.”

      “Well, then that’s where we differ.  So, I _am_ going to the shops and as soon as I get back, we’ll get going with the rest of the day.  I didn’t forget about you, love… notice how early I got up this morning?  That’s just so I could get there when things opened and not take up a lot of your part of the day.”

      “I will concede you did demonstrate forethought in that, at least.”

      “So, just have nice cup of tea, catch up on those programs you record that you think I don’t know about, and I’ll be back before you know it.”

      “I am befuddled as to your statements.”

      “I was befuddled when I went to watch the match I’d recorded and ran into ten episodes of Doctor Who!”

      “It must be the staff.  I shall discuss the matter with them immediately.”

      “I’ll get you some TARDIS socks while I’m out.”

      “Do they really… I mean, how utterly ridiculous.”

      “Then no socks for you.  Now, I’m off.”

      “Can I do nothing to dissuade you?”

      “Mycroft, I’ve got to get a few things and I’ve promised you twenty times already I won’t be long.  If you’d have just let me go, I’d be halfway to the shops by now.”

      “Very well, there is nothing for it.  I shall accompany you.”

      “Uh… no.”

      “I shall counterpropose with yes.”

      “Let’s go all the way back to the beginning.  I’m going to pick up a few things.  Simple, average bloke things.  I’m going to the shops.  Simple, average bloke shops.”

      “Your point being?”

      “Simple. Average. Bloke.”

      “Since you are neither simple nor average, I am still confounded by your argument.”

      “I am when it comes to shopping.  You’d be miserable.  You’d make me miserable.  Someone wouldn’t come back alive.”

      “Well, I am _quite_ intrigued now.  I had thought this is a mundane action, but if you place it high on the hierarchy of mortal peril, then I simply must accompany you on your adventure.”

      “Can I do nothing to dissuade you?”

      “How amusing.  I shall get my jacket.”

      “And I’ll get my gin.”

__________

      “It is always so… densely populated?”

      “Depends on the time of day.  Depends on the day of the week.  Depends on the month of the year.  Depends.”

      “Interesting.  We, of course, have tracked the ebb and flow of traffic for common gathering points in the interests of security, however… I have yet to truly experience it firsthand.”

      “I usually try to come at off times, but today I decided to brave the crowds to be nice to someone I know.  Who’s standing right here trying not to touch anyone or anything within arm’s reach.”

      “Have you truly observed the level of supposed cleanliness of the ‘anyone or anything’ surrounding us?  There are more bodily fluids, epidermal exudates, digestive by-products…”

      “Oh come on… that one’s only for the little tykes.”

      “And is there a reason they should be excluded from my observations?  Look there… that one is bearing down on us in the manner of deranged housecat.  And he is very noticeably leaking.”

      “Ah… poor kid’s got a runny nose.”

      “And that one… are they suffering a hallucination that they are engulfed in flames?”

      “I think he’s dancing.”

      “What a debasement of the concept.  And, oh good lord…”

      “Someone’s having a tantrum… there we go…at least the mum’s taking her outside.”

      “I find myself perilously close to ordering an airstrike on these premises as a precautionary measure to preserve public health and safety.”

      “Keep your fighter jets on the ground, Mycroft.  Just another day for us non-bespokes.”

      “We shall have a serious conversation, you and I, on the concept of allowing yourself to embrace at least a few of the comforts our life together can provide.”

      “I do!  Just yesterday, I ordered one of those fancy coffees instead of my normal cup of black death.  Whipped cream and everything.”

      “A _serious_ conversation.  I shall make a note in my calendar.”

__________

      “This’ll do…”

      “Unacceptable.”

      “How can deodorant be unacceptable?”

      “The formulation is obviously substandard.”

      “And you know this how?”

      “It is scented.”

      “Well… I guess.  Yeah, it does say that on the label.”

      “A quality product would not need to mask its failure with ‘Forest Rain.’”

      “Well… it actually doesn’t smell that bad.”

      “That I could detect the aroma at this distance is further support for my position.”

      “Ok, unscented, it is.”

      “Not that one.”

      “Now what?”

      “I refuse to be blinded by a kumquat-orange container when I retrieve my morning dentifrice.”

      “Good you reminded me, I need toothpaste, too.”

      “At least they do not manufacture _that_ in scented varieties.”

      “You really haven’t been out shopping lately, have you?”

      “Is nothing sacred anymore?”

__________

      “I forbid it.”

      “How can you forbid something that I buy all the time?”

      “Because I did not know about this previously.  Now that I do, it is absolutely forbidden.”

      “They’re just pants.”

      “They are ghastly.”

      “I wear these every single day.”

      “And every single day they are ghastly.”

      “Is there a reason I am finding this out now?”

      “I am in the unique position of preventing you from purchasing a fresh round of atrocity.”

      “What in the hell is wrong with my pants?”

      “Would you like my prepared list?  I have it on my mobile.”

      “Mycroft…”

      “They are utilitarian.  I would suspect the company that purveys your plastic-packaged, sackcloth-hewn undergarments also supplies our nation’s prisons and lingering Dickensian orphanages.”

      “Just because I don’t have a drawer full of silk boxers…”

      “Which you adore.”

      “I do not… ok, yeah I do.”

      “As do I.  And what I would adore all the more is my beloved clad in a similar fashion.”

      “One pair of your silky knickers costs a week of my wages.”

      “That is why you shall allow me to gift them to you.  We do have an anniversary approaching.”

      “Who would have thought Mycroft Holmes would be so sentimental that he’d celebrate six-month anniversaries, along with the yearly ones.”

      “Only for you, my dear.”

      “My pants really mean that much to you?”

      “I am not certain the welfare of our great nation can approach this in importance to me.”

      “Fine.  But you’ll have to suffer my old holey pants until I get my new ones.  For that matter, I’ll have to suffer them, too.”

      “I shall take steps to ensure you are suitably compensated.  Now, have you completed your errands for the day?”

      “Not yet.  Still got a couple of things on the list.  Next stop… shirts.”

      “Are they also plastic-packaged?”

      “I have no trouble clocking you in front of all these nice people.”

      “I doubt but ten percent could be correctly termed nice.”

      “Then I’ll clock you in front of these wretched people, instead.”

      “I do appreciate precision in communication.”

__________

      “People are touching the garments.”

      “How else are they supposed to see what things look like or find their size?”

      “Touching, Gregory…”

      “Yeah, and look!  So am I!”

      “You are placing your hands where many have rested and contaminated before you.”

      “Bit hysterical, love?”

      “Shall we refresh our combined memories on the incident of the leaky child?”

      “Ah, he’d be too short to reach up here.”

      “His father could, however.  And likely did.  With as much discharge in evidence as his offspring.”

      “Well, I’ll try not to catch the cholera or parasites or anything.”

      “I believe I shall have a special bath prepared for you when we return home.”

      “Probably with some of that… hey, wait a moment… your soap’s scented.  Very scented.  One might say, suspiciously scented.”

      “You are having some form of delusional event, my dear.  We should hurry home, so that I may more closely monitor your symptoms.”

      “Your soap’s all herbally.”

      “Nonsense.”

      “And there’s lavender or something, too.”

      “I am very sure I do not know what you mean.”

      “We will be having a serious conversation about this later.”

      “How utterly unoriginal.”

      “And we’ll be starting just as soon as I get back.”

      “Oh?  And where, may I ask, are you going?”

      “To try these on.”

      “You cannot be serious.”

      “I’m not going to buy shirts I haven’t tried on!  Get them home, they don’t fit or look like crap and it’s another trip back for a return.”

      “They have been handled!”

      “Do you actually have a point?”

      “You are going to put, onto your body, clothes that have been stroked by legions of anonymous hands?”

      “And worn, too.”

      “Pardon?”

      “Well, you don’t think they wash them in between people trying them on, do you?”

      “I feel a tad faint.”

      “You’ll be alright.  I think your subconscious will keep you awake because you do _not_ want to fall onto _that_ floor.”

      “Thank you for making this experience even more distressing.”

      “Anything to help.  Now just wait here and I’ll be right back.”

      “You are not leaving me here alone.”

      “You’ve got your umbrella.  You can hold off an army with that thing.”

      “Look around you, Gregory.  I am having to rethink my conviction that the dreadful zombie films you enjoy are entirely works of fiction.”

      “Just shamble along with them and they won’t bother you.”

      “Your love for me has grown cold, hasn’t it?”

      “Right now, I’m loving the idea of replacing a couple of shirts that I’ve ruined in the past couple of weeks.  Two because of your brother, as a matter of fact.  So, just wait here.”

      “I am coming with you.”

      “That’ll get us kicked out for being perverts.”

      “It is a risk I am willing to assume.”

__________

      “These three work, this one’s too tight in the shoulders.  Was it really necessary to block the entrance and tell people a kid had decided this was a quicker walk than the loo?”

      “The amount of effort required for anyone with lecherous intentions to spy upon your nudity would have been pitifully low.”

      “I was trying on shirts!  Are you going to close down a beach when I take my shirt off to go for a swim?”

      “I had not given that any appreciable consideration, but now I believe I will.”

      “Mycroft…”

      “Bridges when we come to them, Gregory…”

      “That’s one I’ll be burning.  Ok, it’s shoes now and then we can…”

      “No.”

      “No?”

      “I really can spare no thought to the concept beyond that single, yet highly accurate, word.”

      “I need more than ‘no,’ Mycroft, because you’re getting loonier the longer we’re here.”

      “And that is something on which you should be reflecting and applying the results of your analysis to an evaluation of own welfare if you continue to bring your custom to establishments such as these.”

      “Shoes, Mycroft.”

      “I shall have a hundred pairs made for you.  A thousand if you wish.”

      “Your shoemaker doesn’t do trainers, I bet.”

      “They do as I ask, so which colors would you prefer?”

      “Enjoy watching my arse as I walk away towards the shoe department.”

      “Well, that is not an entirely unwelcome outcome of your stubbornness.”

      “I said watch, not touch, so keep your hands, and umbrella, to yourself.”

      “Compromise, my dear.  All of life is compromise.  So kindly walk a little more slowly…”

__________

      “Ok, you can open your eyes.  I’ve got shoes.”

      “I am still fearful that I shall perish from the sight.  Hordes of pre-worn shoes strewn on the floor, children throwing… chewing…”

      “That was one little boy!  And his Dad put a stop to that as soon as he saw it.”

      “And you set your feet into how many pairs of soiled shoes before making your selection?”

      “I kept my socks on!”

      “Which I will have burned the moment I can find gloves so I may remove them from your feet.”

      “Mycroft… you do realize I’ve done this my whole life and my feet haven’t rotted and fallen off yet?”

      “The effect is most certainly cumulative and, at your age, the results are sure to appear at any moment.  Is there any possibility that our indenture has been fulfilled and we may depart for more pleasurable, and hygienic, pursuits?”

      “Almost.  And you can just wait right here; I’ll only be a second.”

      “Gregory…”

      “Just one second.”

__________

      “Oh.  You were not having a little jest.”

      “Nope.  I’d never joke about socks.  Especially since I’m about to lose mine.  So, TARDIS for you and Batman for me.  Nice thick ones, too.  Just perfect for keeping the feet warm on chilly nights.”

      “And these have not been previously worn by any other individual?”

      “Nah, see how they’re set up for display?  Not going to try those on easily.  These are pristine, I promise.”

      “Very well. I shall accept your kind gift in the spirit in which it is given.  And delight in the stroll towards the till to mark the end of our excursion.”

      “Yeah, I think I’m done.  Well, except for one thing.”

      “Gregory, this is excruciating…”

      “I want you to admit I was right.”

      “I am unclear about what I am supposed to make this admission.”

      “I told you coming along with me was a terrible idea and you pish-toshed me.  I want you to admit that your pish-tosh was bollocks.”

      “That is... no.  No, you are, and were, correct.  This is not an activity for which I am well-suited.”

      “And I’m glad for it, Mycroft.  I love you for who you are and who you are isn’t someone who mucks around with me when I’ve got to do my errands any more than I’m someone who goes and sits around twiddling my thumbs while you’re with your tailor.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I like it that way, actually.  So, I’ll go pay for all this and we can get started on your list of activities for the day.”

      “I shall not say I do not feel relief, however, I have, to an extent, found this an interesting intellectual exercise.”

      “Well, glad you got something out of it.  Ready?”

      “Quite.  However… when we choose to add children to our home, will you allow me my say on the subject of shopping and their presence in locations such as this?”

      “Kids?  You… we’ve actually never talked about that.”

      “Is the subject uncomfortable for you?”

      “Me?  Not at all, I sort of thought it would be the other way around.”

      “I am not averse to raising a family, now that I have found someone with whom I believe I can be happy doing so.”

      “Ok… good to know.  We’ll put that on our list of things to have serious conversations about.”

      “It already occupies a place on that list.  Number six, I do believe, though I would have to check my mobile to verify the details of my memory.”

      “Well, when we decide on kids, we can also decide who takes them shopping and where.”

      “This is a plague house, Gregory.”

      “Good for the immune system, Mycroft.”

      “They shall acquire undesirable habits watching the inappropriate behaviors of these… small persons.”

      “They’ll learn social skills playing with lots of different kids.”

      “For which society?”

      “You want me to put back your socks?”

      “You wouldn’t dare!”

      “Then be nice.  At least little Mycroft’s not here right now.  It’s not good for the kids to watch the parents fight.”

      “I shall have our bedroom soundproofed so they may not hear either.”

      “Well, you’ll have to do that anyway.  For other reasons.”

      “Ah.  You do raise a valid point.  Now that I stop for a moment and consider, this might be another value of our initiative today, my dear.  It has provoked very interesting topics of conversation.”

      “Then we can do this again when we run out of things to talk about.”

      “I envision that will not be for a very long time.  Perhaps a lifetime.”

      “Then we’ll both be happy, now won’t we?”

      “Yes.  And that is the most wonderful thing in my world.”

      “Now _that’s_ something we can both agree on.”


End file.
